Or so he asked.
He looked at me and smiled, so soft. “You’ve changed a lot, right?”
I played with my homemade marshmallow hot chocolate, our compulsory drink if we agreed to meet. He touch my hand and looked at my eyes, “So how does it feels now? It’s more than 6 months since you feel ready to change.”
“You see, being suddenly detached from nine-years-of-unnecessary-memories makes me… doing mistakes. He has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. We grew up together. We were often mistaken for brother and sister, and we might as well have been, the way we were always together. So when I had the chance to be more than his sister, I offered him the world, of course he preferred it to me. Then that dream to grow old together with him, as what we promised four years ago then suddenly he forgot, makes me want to try to fix him. But that’s wrong.”
I sipped my marshmallow hot chocolate, then continue. “I did not know why my heart was aching so badly. I summed it up with the loss of my dearest friend, but then I would see him walking around and my stomach would roar up with butterflies and I would blush, and he wouldn’t even look at me, and then I would sit in my room for the rest of the day and just cry and cry. It took me a long, long time to realize that I was in love, and another long time to convince myself that I would never be with him. I only succeeded in breaking myself. We once held hands, you know.. But I don’t want to hold grudges just because he left me. So then I changed, because to completely detached, you have to ruined everything at once to re-build it without any attachment left.”
“By making peace with yourself.”
“Well, sort of.”
“No blaming at him?” he smirked, teasing on how immature I was before.
“Of course I had, blaming the fate that brought us together to tear us apart, sometimes I whispered into darkness “I wish we had more time”, but then, it’ll passed. Change helps me.”
“Really?” He raised his eyebrows, “Details.”
“Before, I still tried to ran into him, you know, sometimes. To prove myself that his smile doesn’t feel like home again. And it still hurts, also, sometimes, I pushed myself to find other guys just to forget about him. Everything still reminds me of him, even everything on other guys. Until I learned from that other guys in this past six months, that love is enough. That “us” was the best thing that happened for me. And suddenly, he became a happy memory. A “days-gone-by” side character.”
“Just like old saying, ‘The end was just the beginning.’ ”
I laughed at those cliche words, “Sometimes I thought about ‘Us or nothing’, and nothing always looks tempting, because I thought, there was no alternative after him.”
“Hey, that’s more cliche than mine!”
I laughed again, “Sadly that’s cliche words were right, now, every time I see him, I relive every moment we had.”