PIxels

I am in actual physical and emotional pain after watch Pixels. Like this shit wasn’t even “so bad it’s good”. It just bad. How could anyone watch this movie and still survived? Trust me, don’t watch this movie, DON’T ever risk your life and sanity to see it.

Several days ago I saw Pixels trailer, it’s so good and I sort of expecting Pixels as nostalgic video game-y movie like Scott Pilgrim. But it’s not, and I felt betrayed, this movie sucks. SO SUCK THAT I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE JUST DEAD.

I don’t hate this movie because of Adam Sandler, I hate everything on this movie. Yes, the effects look amazing, but the cast and script are awful. It’s so ugly that it’s a bait movie. Product placement in every frame. It uses nostalgia to bring in the audiences and money. I still felt betrayed, I hate everyone.

They’re also have crotch related humor, HOW IN THE EARTH ANY SANE PEOPLE USING CROTCH RELATED HUMOR TO KIDS MOVIE.  There’s even this female video game character that Josh Gad’s character has fantasized about since he was a kid, and the resolution to this gripping subplot is that Q bert inexplicably turns into her at the end of the film. And then Josh Gad marries and has sex with Q bert, and they have a bunch of Q bert babies. I wish I was making this up.

Pixels honestly left me feeling a little empty inside, like after you saw Dementor, they just suck your happiness. About half way through, I started thinking about all the productive things I could have done with the time and money I devoted to seeing this.

To summarize this rant I just want to say that:

  • Pixels is really bad.
  • Like, “how did this crap ever get made?” bad.
  • It’s about something I have nostalgic, childlike feelings about that being betrayed.
  • Old gamers are supposedly the target audience; if I can’t stand it, who was it made for?

You don’t fuck up a fun and safe concept like old game like this, but they did it. I just pray they don’t make a sequel.


Director: Chris Columbus

Writer: Tim Herlihy, Timothy Dowling

Cast:

  • Adam Sandler as Sam Brenner
  • Kevin James as President Will Cooper
  • Josh Gad as Ludlow Lamonsoff
  • Peter Dinklage as Eddie Plant
  • Michelle Monaghan as Lieutenant Colonel Violet van Patten
  • Matt Lintz as Matty
  • Brian Cox as Admiral Porter
  • Ashley Benson as Lady Lisa
  • Jane Krakowski as Carolyn Cooper
  • Denis Akiyama as Toru Iwatani
  • Sean Bean as Corporal Hill
  • Affion Crockett as Sergeant Dylan Cohan
  • Dan Aykroyd as 1982 Championship MC
  • Lainie Kazan as Mickey Lamonsoff

Rottentomatoes Score: 18%

Metacritic Score: 27/100

After Credits Scene?: No