At first, I thought you’re the book, not only a chapter.

There must be this kind of person in your life that you thought they were the book of your life. The center of every story, the red line that connects every chapter of new person in your life.

I had one before. Took me 5 years to realize he’s not. I’m the one that tracing the world that revolve around him and connects all the dots that make him the center of my world. My work is aspire to be him, my kind of guy will be those who remind me of him. Not only I want to him to recognize me, but also I want to be like him.

June 2014

I have the tendency to be an addict, or so my doctor said. That I need routines, like visiting the memories when I met him, June 2014. Of course I still remember, not only where, what clothes he wear, but also what we talked about, fragments by fragments linger in my head. He was the routine of what I’m thinking of every night, not to question the “what if”, but because I need to mimic the way he talks, the way he thinks.

My addiction to him turns to obsession and oh my, how bad I am back then trying to get a grip of myself to not chase the shadows that I don’t even know. The obsession stop when I fell down to my rock bottom when I still chasing the dots that I connect, October 2016. I blame everything, I blame him

May 2017

There’s time when I thought I will move on, it was 2017, couple of weeks before I turn 27. I just got in relationship to one of most wonderful guy I know, then, there’s this email. An anonymous sending me a letter that she was the next girl after me that being left.

And he is like.. insanely sexy, and as we know.. He is so smart, kind of jerky smartass plus he is so witty

And it storms out again to my head all of him and the first thought that came to my mind wasn’t how true the words are, but “how nice you can left this kind of impressions to your ex. That she needs to confirm and asking how are you after you left her.

This was, of course, one of good reason to talk to him again. And oh boy how wrong is that, I became all over the place in my head, in my own imagination. The new relationship was fallen apart, I needed to took a step back and gathering myself again.

June 2018

We have this kind of debate whether people change or people adapt. For me people change, it’s either they’ve learned a lot or they’ve suffered enough. For him, people adapt, but people never change. But we agreed on one thing, marriage sucks.

But on June 2018, he married.

I was bombarded him with the question, “WHYY???”

He’s teasing me, “Why? You mad that I’m married?”

No, of course not. But this is him.

One that I forget is, I don’t know how much he grew in the last 4 years, that maybe he learned a lot to his partner, or he suffered enough because of series of relationship he had. I forget that for me, people can change, and people changed. He changed.

I congratulate him, out of confusion, but I do really congratulated him. In a way, I’m glad, this is the chapter that I finally can close.

June 2019

You see, there always an epilogue in the end of book that finished. We met again after I don’t know when was the last time we met. It’s funny that I always remember how everything started but kept forgetting what happened after. I asked the same question that I asked last year, “Why are you married?”

He laughed, but he explained, the explanation that I can understand, to the statement that I know, he’s right. He didn’t change, he adapt. He’s still the guy that makes me fall for him 5 years ago, but he adapt to be a better guy. And me too. I adapt to him, that he’s not the center of my world anymore. That he is a chapter that I finally close after 5 years.


Sudah mau tiga puluh tapi tetap lucu kinyis-kinyis. Kinyis-kinyisnya sudah mutlak, lucunya masih dalam tahap diusahakan.

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