Lifelong student

When I was young (ouch, this makes me sounds so old), I have been introduced with “self-actualization” term, the need to be good, to be fully alive and to find meaning in life. It was a long and harsh experience as a youth, from self loathing until the moment I realize that it was ego that restraint me from self-actualization. Ego, that I have to have the check list and misunderstood self-actualization with self-perfection. It was my master that let me understand that there is no perfect, there is only what I wish in my head. My master makes me accepting that the point of life is progress and not perfection. And one of my life progress is an encounter with gorgeous.

Some days ago, I talked with my gorgeous about life purpose. I always believe that we can create the life we imagine, but to create that I have to have a clear specific imagination, and planning ahead because all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us. Gorgeous says, to planning ahead means not letting ‘the surprise element’, where God have the ability to change everything that we have planned.

I was… stuttered. Well, both of me and my master is a planner and both of us believe that we’re a part of great purpose in life. We have something we “should” be, the how-would-people-remember-us-if-we-died, the messages that attached in our existence. But yes, I forget about ‘the magic moment’, that life may never conform to all of my desires. Ironically, I thought that the acceptance of this means to create another plan to search another great purpose I should be in this life, that allows me to be happy with it, allows me to appreciate my flaws. I was wrong.

And gorgeous taught me.

You see, the beautiful thing about humanity is the diversity of life values, and seeing how others valuing their life makes me learn how interesting life or happiness is. And what I’ve discovered is that, from a broad perspective, people are basically the same. It’s just the details that makes us different, and we don’t have to have the same little details to be in perfect harmony.

Gorgeous was right, I almost never let myself have the surprise element because I don’t like uncertainty. It’s not about rejection or failure, it was the forced feeling to confront certainties of my own desirability and self esteem which meet my needs and give value with my life.

This thought is so frightening at first glance, but then I remember, life is not an overnight process. Failure, God’s surprise is a chain reaction that if we follows it long enough, it implementing changes into our life and being another lesson and study before we graduates from this life. What we can do is not doing our best, because we won’t always know what the best is, but being more alive with more deeper purpose of live, not only a great but superficial purpose. A purpose that lead us to be a better person and find a way to make other people being better too.


Sudah mau tiga puluh tapi tetap lucu kinyis-kinyis. Kinyis-kinyisnya sudah mutlak, lucunya masih dalam tahap diusahakan.

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